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I had an incredibly simple insight into solving ANY problem at rocket speed. Ok here it goes.

When it comes to feelings, it comes down to this
1. become aware that you are feeling
2. figure out what your feeling specifically
3. communicate what your feeling
4. figure out what you need or want

A friend of mine called me out a week ago after I told a long winded story (which I must say I am a professional at) and ended it with so that made me feel bad and this is what I did to fix it. He said “wait a second bad isn’t really what was going on, what did you actually feel?”

I sat there stunned in amazement at first being called out, second being grateful that I was called out and third going silent and wrinkling my forehead in my inability to even name exactly what the feeling was.

I started to dig into myself, what was it about this situation that made me feel bad, I replayed and searched the memory while looking down at my lap and stammered, “I, I felt, I was feeling.” I threw my hands up in defeat, “dang it I don’t even know!” He pressed on “its ok take your time you’ll get it”

My eyes widen in wonderment. “OK KD your 24 years old you can name your own feelings for gods sake.” I took a deep breath and focused, I jerked my head up and blurted out, “pressure, I felt pressured to take care of everybody else and not in control of stating what I wanted, for fear that it would be viewed as irresponsible and impolite.”

“Good” he said. “So, you set up boundaries and clear expectations for others to follow by communicating hey everybody this is what I need in order to feel comfortable.”

“Yeah that is what I did. Huh, why couldn’t I just say what I was feeling?” I asked out loud.

“Because we have been trained since we were little to NOT feel, to speak in generalities, to stop feeling and get to work, and especially to not acknowledge or feel the “BAD” feelings.

“That’s why when the uncomfortable feelings come up you have to treat them like orphan kids that never got the attention they needed – when irritation comes up you have to pick it up (he cradled his arms and start to rock them side to side as if holding an infant) and say hi irritation, I accept you. But usually we tell the bad feelings to shut the hell up, go back to bed, and don’t bother me.” he said while simultaneously pumping his leg like he was going to stomp on a bug. He continued “and then the last part is you just ask this feeling part of yourself, I see you what do you need?” he said while stroking the pretend infants face.

He looked a little ridiculous making these gestures in his skin tight black, ruffled bell bottoms and psychedelic cut off shirt, but it made me smile and laugh out loud and in my laughter realize the liberating feeling that what he just told me was profound, simple, true and WORKED every time.

So what did I need when I was feeling pressured? asking myself a question I already knew the answer to out loud. I stated, “I needed to express my true feelings about my boundaries of when I am available and when I am not, without giving into the fear of what other people will think or making up stories on how they will leave condescending voicemails of how inappropriate my message was AND even if they do give me that response that its ok I am the only one that can live and manage my life for me, I must take responsibility for my feelings and communicating this is the way it is for me.”

Ahh now that puts clarity and depth into my elementary example of making a new voicemail.

Your turn…

Now you try – in the comments below share an example of when you said you felt “bad” and dig in using the 4 steps to see what breakthroughs you discover.